Recently I’ve started to notice my love is pretty conditional

– I’ll buy you lunch, and secretly expect you to do the same for me.
– I’ll compliment you, and a part of me hopes you’ll say something back to me later.
– I’ll agree to be in relationship with you, until you decide I’m responsible for some issue or problem you’re having. Or you decide you’re busy to hang out with me for awhile.
And if I don’t get what I want from giving…
Then I withdraw.
Whenever I feel, just for a moment, I am giving and not getting.
For example: Let’s say I communicate I care about someone and they aren’t communicating it back, I feel afraid, unsafe, and I move away.
I’m afraid when I don’t feel the love back, I’ll be hurt. And so I move away from a relationship which causes me the hurt.
I noticed this pattern as I thought about why I’ve been out of a relationship for so long, out of an intimate relationship. It’s because whenever I feel my love or attention isn’t being reciprocated or acknowledged, I act a bit childish and withdraw. I don’t throw a tantrum, but I’ll withhold myself in the future.
This leads to me silently resenting the other person or losing attraction, or them losing attraction to me. (I mean, what intelligent woman wants to date a physically large but emotional child?)
I’ve noticed I give love when it’s convenient, not purely for the sake of love. Not purely for the sake of the other person.
But because they do something for me too.
I’ve been too afraid of being hurt again by the person in intimate relationship I open up deeply to.
So I don’t open up. Not really anyway.
Not with anyone who doesn’t respond to my love according to my conditions perfectly…which has been no one.
Result: No intimate relationship as an adult.
And honestly, what’s even tougher to realize…is I do this with myself.
I love me…as long as I achieve.
– As long as I bring in more money than I did last month.
– As long as my body looks a certain way.
– As long as I have enough people complimenting me or telling me they changed my life.
– Hell, sometimes as long as enough people like my FB posts.
But I don’t love me with no conditions. It seems pretty hard to do that.
Like why would I give myself love unless I deserve it. That seems almost ridiculous to do.
I know this now though…
As long as I love myself with conditions, I will only be able to love others with conditions too.
If I can, however, love myself just because. Just because I am. Just because I decide to, maybe I can love other people like that too.
I think of my mom, she loves me no matter what. Not because I do anything for her (she wouldn’t love me that much if it was for that reason), but because she decided to.
And it doesn’t matter what I do, or if I murdered someone, or was a total idiot (I know that last one from a lot of experience), she’ll still love me the same.
Unconditionally.
So I ask myself tonight, after eating a few too many vegan, gluten free cookies and drinking green juice (I live in Southern California, lol)…
I wonder what life could be like if I loved myself and others just because.
Appreciating the things which could be liked about me and the things which “can’t.” Deciding to love myself. No matter if I achieve or fail. If I do well or suck. If I make people laugh or they think I’m annoying. If they like me or reject me.
I think it could change things.
I want people to love me, and I want others to feel loved, so what if I made it my first priority to love myself.
So I can give from lack, rather than overflow.
Have you ever been around someone like that? I have. His name is Brandon Hawk. I spend time with him, and without him even talking, I know I’m accepted. All of me. It’s unbelievable.
A man who loves himself, to where he doesn’t need anything from me when we talk, he only wants to give love with no agenda.
I want to be a man like that.
I want to love me, so I can really authentically love you.
Really appreciating you without needing anything from you at all. You can just be, with or without achievement, and know how amazing you are.
I think the only thing which can make this possible. Is someone telling me, Sterling you matter, you’re amazing, you’re loved.
And that someone gets to be me.
Every day.
– Even when I feel like a loser, I’m loved.
– Even when I slept in and watched too many Youtube videos and skipped work, I’m loved.
– Even when the people I like ignore my messages (for whatever reason which probably has nothing to do with me anyway), I’m loved.
– Even if I’m broke, and fat, and alone, I’m loved.
Because I decided to. Because it’s my practice. Because I’m cool like that.
And then after I love me.
I’ll love the shit outta you too.
Come here, let me give you a hug.
#becausegainz ❤️ 💪🏻

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